it's 4 in the morning, and i'm still awake pondering the complexities of life. Things have been going awry the past one week, and i wonder whether God is trying to tell me something during the past 7 days. Cancer is a scary thing as it is, but when it strikes close to home only does one realize the whole impact of a few cells gone wrong, and the preciousness of the delicate balance the whole body is about. Relationships that seem rosy may hide massive undercurrents that explode when you least expect it. People whom you expect to see tomorrow may just disappear today, due to 'unforseen unfortunate circumstances' like road accidents. Charities may just be huge corporations going by a different name, like shakespeare's rose.

Things just aren't what they are on the surface anymore. What you see and what you get are two entirely different products, and no amount of time is ever going to reverse this trend. Promises are no longer made to be kept, but created to be bent, and deception is another name for the game called life.

Somehow it is in times like these when i am awake in the wee hours in the morning dismayed at the state of humanity that God gently reminds me that though the world may 'progress' from bad to worse, though every foothold i trust may fail me, though i despair at the fragility of human life despite the advance of medical technology, there would be one who will always be whom He said He was, is, and is to come, because He cannot change. When everything else is deceptive, transient and/or unpredictable, there would always be one whom i can fully entrust myself to, because He said that He is good, and He cannot lie, and He cannot change.

 

     we have an anchor that keeps the soul

     steadfast and sure while the billows roll

     fastened to a rock which cannot move

     grounded firm and deep in the Saviour's love. 

 

Because of this i will choose to rejoice in the Lord regardless of the circumstance, because He won't let anything happen that is not under His control, where it is best. 

     "...say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.""         -isaiah 35:4

     "Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and grey hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."       -isaiah 46:3,4

  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" -Hebrews 13:8.  

Thank you Father. Your will be done. Amen.

hmmm, it's funny, but after a brief year here in singapore i've already come to regard my small hostel room as home. Funny, considering that i'm typing this while sitting in my cozy singaporean hostel room, fresh come from a 3 week break well spent at a cream-coloured-double-storey-semi-detached house with a  christmas tree and its three palm kakis comfortably lining the fence; located somewhere in the heart of perak, in a laid back ulu kampung on the banks of a river loop; a small, friendly backwater town with delusions of grandeur, aptly named Teluk Intan. (Teluk Intan -english translation: Diamond Bay)

The place i used to refer to as home.

Please, don't get me wrong. I love my family, and i'm crazy over Copper, my 13 year old doggie with strategically located brown patches all over. It's just that, as much as i love my parents and miss my sisters; as much as i try otherwise, i somehow feel happier going back to my cramped singaporean room than going back to teluk intan.

I can't remember exactly when the meaning of the term made its subtle transition and somehow it irks me that i can be so fickle in my loyaties when it comes to matters like these. Sure, if you were to stick a gun to my cranium and told me to defend my position or die, i'd blabber that back in teluk intan i no longer have my own bed (beginning from a month from STPM i opted to sleep on a matress on the floor of the study room), i've been dispossessed of my personal work table, and people knew me as so-and-so's daughter... while in singapore i not only have my own room, i am also, to some extent, an independent individual; one who does not need  more distinguished points of reference for the sake of existence- people see me as 'fern'. Period.

Yet i can't get rid of the nagging feeling that these may just be excuses. Smokescreens for a less flattering reason -that i'm just naturally fickle. Capricious. Faithless. Flighty. Inconstant. Unfaithful. Whimsical.

'Adaptable' is a euphimism which i would not allow myself to have. Not at this time, not in this matter.

Hmmm. But then again is it good to live in here in singapore for the rest of my uni days with ever a longing eye yearning for home, unable to find comfort nor satisfaction in the things that i do here and now on foreign soil? Is there greater good in being an unhappy patriot or a happy traitor? heh, i know, it does sound a little drastic, but i exeggerate options for the sake of clarity -most malaysians i know fall into either one of these categories.   

For me i guess it wasn't really much of an option than a path i chose unknowingly. In this small niche of singapore i call home i have found people to love, and who love me in return. I have stumbled upon the knowledge of how versatile postcards are in decorating your room. I have discovered that God is most felt when every beam of support crumbles -every single one save his unwavering grip of grace. I have learnt the unfortunate joys of retail therapy. In short i have learnt a bit more about me.

heh. i suppose i should just let God decide where i ought to be, and do my best to shine for him wherever he may lead. But as for me, wherever i am, i ought to constantly remember that my fealty lies with the country that exist on the other side of the dark river -the kingdom with streets of gold and no more sadness, where night turns to day in the neverending gladness of His presence.

man, time flies when you're: (1)stressed beyond belief, (2)living a hedonistic lifestyle, or (3)stuck without a functioning time keeper (aka clock) in your room for the past one month.

yep, life has been pretty happening; my exams have come and gone, my emotional reaction to my results is a thing of the past, my holidays are nearly half gone, and i've accumulated nearly a year's worth of experience, lame jokes, dead neurons and white hair (which, due to my lot of genetical inheritance, is a LOT of white hair to speak about).

i've tried roller blading (and i have scars to prove it too), eaten half cooked barbequed chicken wings and otak-otak at costa sands, gone swimming in pulau besar, climbed sea wet rocks WITHOUT help (alright, at least i did on my 20th try), and watched my first horror movie, which unfortunately was a tried-and-tested formula for a scare-per-minute thingie.

i screamed with the rest anyway. gah. DON"T remind me.

I confess to have gone gaga over marche (yes mabel; again), sat for a 15 hour seminar on Acts, and spend days just catching up on my diet of books, music and self cooked pasta. glorious. i've driven my computer to desperate suicide -and survived without it for months. i have acquired a fridge (yippie, yoghurt!), am about to aquire 2 long haired hamsters, and given up on acquiring an ipod mini or a zen creative mp3 player, content to look for an ultra cool cd/cassette/mp3 player cum radio cum alarm clock. wahahaha.

all rubbish aside, it has been quite a year. my results have improved by the slightest margin possible, but ah well; it is STILL an improvement, and credit should go to God for that. must remember to keep going and not give up. (new academic year resolution #1)

some things have not changed though, and i'm grateful for that. i'm still trying to be 'wet behind the ears' in outlook, still resisting the pressure to be cynical and play the 'been there, seen this, done that' role. i still have great friends who make sure i'm alive and breathing and eating at least 2 full meals a day -and scold me if i don't. The sun is still shining, and God is still in control.

And as long as He still is, life is will still be good.

it's been a busy busy week. yet again.

Friday was the climax of it all -wrapping humongous polystyrene letters with crinkled aluminum foil from 5pm til 830pm, immediately followed by a marathon banner painting session til bout 12, and topped up with a meeting which ended at 3 am, in the wee hours of saturday morning. and now, barely 2 days later, i'm sitting at my school computer at 8.10pm with my genetics notes spread out in front of me, wondering whatever happened to the past 2 weeks, since i don't seem to have any recollection of what was taught, or said, or done any time within that time frame. I'm also wondering what the world i am doing in school at 8 something at night when i have been here since 10 this morning.

come to think of it, i can't seem to remember anything from last month even.

gah. exam fever. i can feel the first throbs of the menace.

Goal: to do the best i can.

Sacrifice: time.

At stake: my sanity.

Yup, that briefly sums up the happy situation i am in now. It's funny how stress favours frenzy, colours your reality and toys with your sanity. My optimism is now balancing on a very thin thread.

Overhanging Niagara Falls.

The one thing that peppers life no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
Run from it, embrace it, seek it, detest it, it doesn't matter; experience has a way of creeping up on you in the shadows, and just when you realize that it's going to get you, it pounces into action and you find yourself cornered.

the past few weeks have been one long rollercoaster ride of playing hide and seek with Experience. I'd be the first to admit that though i detest being stuck in a rut, i'm not one who would go questing after new sights and sounds and .. yeah, experiences. But as life would have it, i ended up carousing into lots of firsts.

And ye gods and little fishes, what a ride it has been.

the past 24 days that have constituted February 2005 has celebrated
my baker's dozen of 'first tmes' i've:
(1) worn a halter dress. with heels. The very first time i've attempted something so blatantly bare shouldered.
(2) travelled 16 hours in 4 days. 8 hours in a cold, cold bus on monday night home to teluk intan, 6 hours to batu pahat, johor on thurs and another 2 on friday back to singapore. Woah. Never wanna do that again.
(3) celebrated valentines day. with a person who took the trouble to make it memorable.
(4) received a bouquet, with my name on it.
(5) gone clubbing. at a hall bash.
(6) drunk alcohol, but not get drunk.
(7) gone for a health screening.
(8) cooked pasta in singapore. hey; it's an achievement with the facilities i have, okay?
(9) nudged and hinted and cajoled two of my hesitant friends into a, ahem, extended intepersonal fellowship. heh.
(10) watched an extended marathon of award-deserving movies -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Frida, Million dollar baby, Ray Charles. In 3 weeks.
(11) visited Changi airport. from Boon Lay. thanks Mabel. It was ride worth taking just to see you off.
(12) been evaluated by my JCRC superiors, and commended for half a year's job well done -for once in my life, based solely on my performance; not out of pity, and definitely not because of who my parents are. God, thanks.
(13) said yes to jie, and formally joined the emotional circus i was contented to just watch and laugh at barely 6 months ago.

A haphazard collection, yes, but the memories... they're not just forever; they're priceless. Experience? hah; bring 'em on!

wow. it HAS been a long time since i last blogged. I guess my schedule has been a little punishing lately, or maybe its just me and my old friend Procrastination .

Life moves fast when you're not given a chance to think about how you would want to fill your time today. The Urgent becomes the focus, and everything kinda spirals down into a mindless river of event after event, and you just helplessly get swept along with the flow. Lab reports, hall events, meetings, tutorials, datelines.... how easily they hog and clog up time which could -which should- have been given over to things which MATTER; like conversations with god, making the effort to spend time with the people who matter in my life, really studying (yes, there's a difference between finishing my tutorials and actually studying!), and taking time off to take a step back, to evaluate whether i am headed in the right direction, and just to simply smell the flowers.

Father, give me wisdom to know the important from the urgent, and strength to act accordingly, because you did not put me here to die with the epithet, "She went with the flow, and little did she know, nothing was accomplished that was important."

Amen.

used this year's Jeremiah School (a five week camp for school leavers) to meet up with the JSkoolers of '04. hmm, come to think of it, it's been nearly a year since we last met.

i realized how much i missed them only when i stepped out of the bus into the Seremban sunshine, and saw them waving frantically in my direction. haha, sigh; what else could i expect?

It truly was trying to cram a year's worth of experience into 2 days. the first night i turned in at 5.45 am after a long, long time of confession and sharing, and on the 2nd night we sang into the early hours of sunday morning in a time of random worship.

Honestly speaking, despite the serious deficiency of sleep, life couldn't have been any better.

this is not typical me, but i run out of words to describe the extreme gladness that doesn't just come from being able to meet up after a long chronological hiatus, but also, after that, being able to come away with the knowledge that the turbulent past year had only succeeded in leaving my friends stronger. That despite the disappointments and heartbreak and frustrations God had not let them down, and that he was and still is working in their lives in unbelievable ways. That though their hopes and dreams at Jeremiah School had not materialized the way they wanted, though they may still be in situations where they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, the total trust my friends had in His promises and His plans just, very plainly, floored me.

I left JSkool with the much needed assurance that though we may be separated geographically and nationally (Ruth and Jocelyn in Msia, Mabel in Canberra, and me in Singapore) God is still in control, and He's still keeping a lookout for us.

All of us.

Each of us.

Jie picked me up from Woodlands when i arrived back, and Jayne messaged me to make sure i was alright.
Thank God for giving me friends -in the truest sense of the word- on both sides of the Causeway. And by God's grace, they'll be friends i'll try to keep for a lifetime.